MY PERSONAL QUEST
As I sat in front of my computer, I thought this would be relatively simple to
do. Type my thoughts and write them down on a piece of paper. I’m not sure
what exactly to write. During my last four years at the Academy, I have gone
through so many changes that I just don’t know where to start.
I did not want to write a paper of my experiences with other people’s quotes or other people’s phrases. I wanted this paper to be about my evolution as a human being and martial artist. It is important that this paper reflect honesty and truth.
Instead of talking about the present, I would like to go back to the past
because the past says a lot about who I am. It all started back at the age of
13 when I was living in Manhattan Beach, California. At the time, I was a tall
lanky athletic kid, and was always one of the first kids picked, whether it
was for baseball, football, or soccer. Still, for me there was always
something lacking, which I have since determined to be SELF ESTEEM,
DISCIPLINE, and CONFIDENCE. I did not possess these qualities. At the time I
was growing up in a single-parent household. As time went on, my group of
friends started to push me around, make comments, hit me, and bully me. I was
tired of it and did not understand why my friends would do that. I was
extremely confused. I got used to running home from school and having my money
stolen from me by my so-called friends.
I did not want to go to my father to tell him I was being picked on at school
nor did I want to go to my mother and tell her the same thing. Even though she
knew, I never discussed it with her. One day I came home with a black eye and
my mother asked me then what had happened. I told her it was not important,
but she knew through a series of events, like me coming home with ripped
shirts, torn sweaters, and dirt and grass stains, that something was seriously
wrong. I still was not willing to share my information with her. Not only was
I scared, but also I did not want to be perceived as a WIMP in my mother’s
eyes. After I got the black eyes, she brought to my attention that she did
know what was going on and suggested that I take martial arts. I said to her,
“What are martial arts”? I had never heard of martial arts before. She
asked me, did I ever hear of a person named Bruce Lee. At that time, he was
starring in a TV program called the Green Hornet. Occasionally I would
watch this show, and saw the fancy moves with his feet and his fists. He was
quick and did flips, and I equated martial arts at that time to Bruce Lee.
My mother knew of a place in Redondo Beach called Chuck Norris Studios and she set up an appointment for her and me to go and talk to one of the instructors to see about signing up for some self-defense classes. When I walked in, the first thing I saw was the size of the dojo which was twice the size of our dojo, with wooden floors, banners on the walls, and trophies scattered all over the place. Around the corner, appeared a guy who was about 6’2”, 250 lbs., well built with a second-degree green belt, and he introduced himself to my mother and me. We went into his office and started to talk. The first thing he did was to pull a practice knife on me and asked me what I would do in this situation. I had no clue. No one had ever pulled a knife on me before. He asked me what my reasons were for taking martial arts. I did not know how to respond to him. I did tell him that I was being picked on at school and wanted to learn how to defend myself, and I also wanted to be able to beat up my so-called friends.
He brought to my attention that this was not the true meaning of martial arts.
He explained that we do our best to walk away from all confrontations. The
bigger man walks away from a fight. Well, I really wasn’t listening at the
time (keep in mind I was only 13 years old).My agenda was to learn how to
protect myself and how to strike back at my so-called friends. The martial
arts style taught at this studio was TANG SO DO
During
my first day of classes, I walked in and there was nobody my age. I was only a
13-year-old beanpole kid. Most of the people were older . . . grown men and
women. My instructor’s name was John Natividad; he was second in command
while Chuck Norris was first in command. I did not meet Chuck Norris until a
few months after I started training. John told me certain positions to stand
in and how to respond to certain commands. I thought to myself, that I must be
in the wrong class and that there was a teen class and I certainly don’t
belong here with the adults. I was extremely intimidated. My instructor
introduced me to my fellow partner, another white belt who was a 26-year old
man. As time went on I learned various forms, Katas, and combinations. When we
sparred, I had to spar this 26-year-old. I was literally pummeled for the
first year and a half. But, I will tell you one thing-I learned how to defend
myself.
I thought to myself if I can block a punch or kick from a 26-year-old man, I
sure as heck could block a punch or kick from someone my own age. I knew I was
receiving exceptional training and still never lost my focus and became
obsessed with martial arts. I had a goal . . .there would be a time and place
where I would turn my new art and use it against my friends. I would trap each
one of them individually and pummel them for all the pain and humiliation that
they had caused me for so many years. It was my turn to give all of them the
anger I had inside of me.
Time went on. At this point, I had 2 years under my belt at the
Chuck Norris Studio. I started to enter into tournaments and did extremely
well for my age and that only fostered my self-confidence, and self-esteem. I
never told any of my friends that I was taking martial arts. I never discussed
this with anyone. It was a total surprise to everyone. I trained anywhere from
3-4 times a week.
When I finally got three years under my belt, I became focused and had a
tremendous amount of self-confidence, which carried over into my high school
years. As far as sports, I was good... very proficient in baseball. From this
time on, I made a pledge to myself to never let anybody put me down, never say
anything disrespectful and to anybody that ever got in my way, I would “go
through them like a hot knife through butter. I was no longer a nice guy . .
.I was mean, angry, and thought I was one “bad dude”. Of course, now that
I am 43, I know this thinking was wrong.
When I got my novice black belt from the Chuck Norris Studios, I was 17. It was a long test and I found it to be exciting. I loved it, but after getting my black belt, I thought to myself I finally had everything I needed to know to take care of myself. I knew that with my training nobody, but nobody, would ever beat me. Unfortunately, I walked away. I felt I knew it all.
This
is where my quest begins.
In my adult life, at the age of 21, I was married at a young age and had a lot of responsibility placed upon me. I became a husband and a father. I looked at what my father had done for my family and I began to emulate him. I attacked my job with a vengeance, while working long hours and did everything that was asked of me to provide nothing but the finest for my family. I worked in gang-controlled environments for 17 years, was subjected to drugs, drive-by shootings, prostitution, and subjected to many, many things I had never seen in my entire life. Because of my martial arts training, I was able to change my personality and become a street-wise and guttural person. I would become just like them. I realized that if I did not become like them, I would not survive my own job. I never knew neighborhoods and people like this existed and now I was being thrust into the middle of it. I relied upon my experience of being confident and motivated. I saw things I hope that nobody ever has to be subject to.
I have a son named Mike. I got custody of Mike when he was 10 years old. Mike
lacked self-confidence, self-esteem, and discipline. I also have a stepson
Patrick, who was fully involved in a vast array of sports. My thinking was if
I could get Mike involved in athletics, it might boost his self-esteem, which
it did to some degree. He still was not happy and lacked direction and
confidence. I know what martial arts did for me so I proposed to my son Mike
that we take martial arts together. Even though I really did not want to get
involved in martial arts again, he was excited about it and it was something
that we could do together. I was hoping it would be as beneficial for him as
it was for me. We joined a studio in Long Beach, California and started out as
white belts
Mike excelled in martial arts while we both learned our forms and combinations
from two second degree black belts. I considered our instructors to be capable
and knowledgeable. We climbed through the ranks and went around 2-3 times a
week. I was going along so that I could get a work out, but I did see more
confidence building within my son. We soon entered into a tournament and Mike
did well.
When Mike turned 17, we moved to Laguna Hills, California and through our
transition we stayed away from training for about 2 months, but I knew that
martial arts was important to Mike. I wanted to make sure that Mike also had a
brand new start for various reasons. I looked around at various studios and
was not happy with what I saw. One place I visited was U***** S******, which
was very corporate and not true-to-the-art.
One evening I was in the local 7-11 and I looked to my left and there were people with their Gi’s on. I started talking to some of them and found out they seemed respectable. I asked them about their art and their instructors and the style of karate they studied. Their style was Shaolin Kempo Karate, which was the same style I did in Long Beach. They were enthusiastic about their training. I was curious and went into their studio the following day and spoke to Professor Roe about enrolling in his school. He gave me the school outline, what his systems were comprised of and told me that he went “off the track” sometime to do some ground fighting. It was not your run-of-the-mill contemporary studio, which sounded exciting to me.
The first day that Mike and I showed up we decided to wear our belts from the
previous studio that we came from. We were blue belts at the time and walked
into the Martial Arts Academy with our belts on. I noticed that no one stuck
together in one group and that all came up to us to introduce themselves. I
could feel that this is a special place and an excellent environment for Mike
and I.
I noticed after a month at this Academy that the blue belts from our prior
academy were not like the blue belts we saw here. These were much better trained
and had many more skills that we had and I was not sure what to do about the
situation. I asked my son what he thought about going back to being a white
belt. I knew this was going to be a long-term situation. Our goal was to get
our black belts together. Keep in mind . . .I already had a black belt, but it
was not that important for me to get another one. It would be kind of neat
though for father and son to get their black belts together. I spoke to
Professor Roe and expressed that I thought it would be in Mike’s and my best
interest to drop back to white belts. He said if I felt that strongly about
it, then it would be okay. Mike and I returned to the dojo with belts. Many
people asked us what we were doing. I told them how impressed I was and that
we did not deserve the rank of blue belt just yet.
Our training was interesting and exciting. My two instructors at the time were
and still are, Professor Roe and Sensei Payne. Each had a different technique,
which created a diverse atmosphere. I loved it. We gradually went through the
ranks learning our combinations and pinions, and some Kempos. My son was a
purple belt at this time and stated to me that he no longer wanted to
participate. I tried to convince him to stay. Suddenly I had a decision to
make. Would I continue my training? I was not overly enthusiastic about going
through training again, but did decide eventually to stay with it. They were a
great group of people and had excellent instructors, but I wasn’t sure
exactly why I was compelled to go forward.
As more time passed, I became overly aggressive and lacked self-control and
discipline, but I did not lack in the self-confidence department.
Unfortunately, for the first two years that I was there the only thing I cared
about was being the biggest and baddest! I thought that this is what was
expected of me. I did not focus on combinations or pinions or Katas. I did not
care much about getting another black belt. I wasn’t really listening to my
instructors. I was enthusiastic about coming to class and loved anything to do
with sparring and/or physical contact.
I looked at my two instructors as being phenomenal martial artists, especially
Professor Roe. Here is a man who is strong and quick who had 25 years
experience in martial arts and I wanted to be just like him. I was not focused
on belt promotion; it was never about the belts for me. I was gaining all the
knowledge and training back, which gave me a chance to release any anger,
hostility, and stress that I carried around.
One day, I will never forget, Professor Roe said he needed to talk to me. He said, “I will just throw this out. A lot of students here at the Academy are scared of you and don’t want to be paired up with you. They don’t want to spar with you, they don’t want to ground fight with you, they don’t want to do the dragon circle with you, because you are out of control. You are hurting people; you are physically hurting people.” I sat back in the chair and listened to this while thinking, sure I’ve hurt people. There’s no question. I did not deny that I hurt people. He also brought up something that opened up my eyes.
Professor Roe said to me, “Doug, I don’t know if you know this or not, but
I have lost students because of you.” I was rough, out-of-control, and
lacked self-discipline. I had no clue that people were leaving because of me.
I thought everything was going along well and nobody ever came to me to tell
me that I should slow down. I apologized to him and he said he would stand
behind me. He also told other parents and students that he would support me
while I trained. I really respected him for this and cannot put into words my
gratitude. Once again I expressed to him that it would never happen again
(even though I should never use the word never!).
I had to sit back and re-focus on exactly what direction I would go in. Who am
I to take away the enjoyment of martial arts from my fellow students? I did
not want to be hated or looked upon as someone who was always out of control.
I certainly did not want people to quit because of me. I was the problem, not
them. I gave a lot of consideration to not going back. I called Sensei Payne
who agreed with what Professor told me. He also told me not to give up. That
meant a lot: I had the support of my Professor and also Sensei Payne.
When I went to tell Professor Roe what had happened, he already knew. He
suggested that I not go to spar on Sunday mornings. He explained to me that I
came in as a fighter and that I should focus on other things. I did not
understand what he was saying. I never went to the Academy to study martial
arts, rather for the workout. Now I had to re-focus and I was still not sure
of what he was saying.
At the test, Professor Roe handed me a clipboard and said that I was to run
the test. I looked around and saw a whole lot of kids, some as young as 4
years old. I was thinking to myself I’ve never conducted a test in my entire
life. This was a big responsibility. I asked some of my fellow students for
some input. They gave me great advice on how to break the kids up by ages and
ranks. I took the upper belts and worked with them while my fellow students
worked with other students. After the test was over, I handed Professor Roe
the clipboard and made the statement that this was a little bit different.
From that moment on, after all those years of martial arts training, it came
to me why I was there and what my special purpose was.
I had been trying to seek my purpose, my quest, what was bringing me
fulfillment. I had opened up to a brand new dimension . . .teaching. Before I
could become a novice instructor I had to re-focus again, on my training and I
had to start listening. I listed to everything Professor Roe and Sensei Payne
said to me. I started reading books. I finally found out what this was all
about for me. I wanted to be a complete martial artist, and did not want to
walk away from this Academy after 4 years to say I got my black belt. From
that day on, I knew it would be long-term and I had found my missing link. My
drive returned and wanted to learn everything I possibly could about the
honorable art of Shaolin Kempo Karate.
I wanted to know where Shaolin Kempo Karate came from and how to instruct a
class. I now no longer had anger within me and at that point it was totally
released from my system. I did not need to spar again and if I got hit, I got
hit, what’s the big deal? I did focus now especially on my Katas, pinions,
combinations, and for the first time in a long time, my Kempo’s. I was
carrying myself much differently. Going from 2-3 years without listening left
me with a lot of ground to make up. It would not be easy. I asked the
Professor if I could get a key to the Academy so that I could work out on my
own. During this time I made up quite a bit of ground. I had to focus,
self-control, and discipline. My quest began to be a complete martial artist
and still continues to this day.
I may not be the best martial artist, but you will not find a more
enthusiastic martial artist. I consider myself very dedicated and have
finally, for once in my life, am listening. I truly Believe that this is
a revelation for me. I am currently being utilized as a part-time instructor
at the Academy and am learning a tremendous amount. I work with groups of
kids, sometimes as many as 20 and as young as 4. I constantly watch the
Professor and Sensei to see how they instruct class. I am learning when to
change things and when not to change things, and how to keep everything under
control.
As stated earlier, it’s not about getting the black belt. I know there have
probably been a lot of papers written about the importance of control, about
all the sayings that we use at this Academy and how being a black belt means
this or that. I don’t need a black belt around my waist to prove that I have
changed. I know I have changed because I feel good about myself. Both my
Professor and Sensei have been extremely patient with me.
Many years ago when I became a varsity football player as a sophomore,
everybody was wearing lettermen’s jackets except for me. I never got one. My
father gave me a clipping from a famous football coach, Vince Lombardi. One of
the things Mr. Lombardi stated was that true heroes know who they are, true
athletes know who they are, true men know who they are. They don’t need a
jacket to display to others their accomplishments. I truly believe in this.
I know in my heart that I have grown in so many different ways, from the age of 13 to the age of 43, from my instruction and tutelage from the Professor and Sensei and from my fellow students. From the hard work I have put in, I know I am a black belt.
I want to dedicate this paper to my wife, Julie, my fellow students, and
especially want to thank Professor Roe and Sensei Payne for their guidance and
understanding and for believing in me.
I will become wiser as time goes on because I know this is not just a four-year process and have not yet finished evolving. This is just one more chapter in my pursuit of the ultimate quest in martial arts. I am starting to grow as a multi-dimensional martial artist. If you will have me . . .I will be around for years to come. I have found a new home and I like it. It gives me solitude and peace of mind. . So thank you all.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Once
my son Mike left the Academy, I was not that interested in getting my belt. I
just wanted to train and was not paying attention. On the day I began to teach,
is the day I began to change. Looking into the eyes of a 4-year old, or any
other child. . How can I put into words my little student Jessica’s face, her
fierce little face? The kids that I instruct look up to me for guidance,
they’re not looking at my belt, they look to me as a human being and when they
laugh, I laugh and when they cry, I cry. But when they succeed, I succeed.
